Forgotten Fatherhood

"The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

~ Proverbs 3: 11-12

Much has been said and sung about Motherhood. And rightly so. It is a noble vocation, natural calling and privilege, as well as a life changing shift in a woman's life. That does not imply that woman who have not had, or do not want to have babies, have missed their essential calling. Women fulfil many roles, motherhood being just one of them.

Seven and a half years ago, my life was catapulted from a predictable, fairly self indulgent routine, into the chaos and wonder of "motherhood". I should really make that "our" lives, since I know a father's existence is also turned inside out, even if it is less visible. I have since been tried, enchanted, stretched, surprised, exhausted and exhilarated by it. I have to check myself not to bore other people with ongoing anecdotes about life with our funny, resourceful, adorable boys. So - having said all that, I checked myself once again this morning. I woke up thinking that I'd really love to write about all that I've learnt from being a mother, for what has passed in a wink, but contains the complexity and riches of a lifetime.

Words like motherhood or motherly, sisterhood or sorority, lay lightly on your tongue. To most of us, they represent kindness, gentleness, nurturing and forbearance.

But stepping away from this oestrogen filled world of milk and vanilla, there is another rather unlauded "world" (or is it a planet?), which has often been overlooked. Fatherhood. ("Hood - A substantive suffix denoting a condition or state of being").  Not being a father, and not having had the luxury to interview a host of fathers, to probe their inner thoughts and feelings, (though most would probably be loath to reveal too much if I did) - I shall have to rely on a bit of research, perceptions and my own witness of fathers in action.

Unlike the feminine opposite - "brotherhood" or fraternity tends to make us think of secret societies, men with white pointy hats and cloaks, or solemn hooded figures chanting in a cloister. The men in dark suits in a hushed church congregation. A true "brotherhood of believers" among men who know and follow Jesus, is beautiful to witness. And there may be many examples of positive brotherhood, but that is a different subject.

But what about father, fatherhood or fatherly? Nervous pacings outside the maternity ward? Camping and fishing trips? The ominous threat at the end of the day when you've been naughty? The one who frowns over stacks of bills and overdue payments? The man who leaves home before dawn and returns tired and drained at the end of a long working day? The guy with whom you rough and tumble, who shows you how to kick ball and aim a mean left hook? Who sends your boyfriends scurrying? Or is it the greying man who sits opposite you when you down your first beer, or possessively grips your arm on the way to the altar....

These may be some memories of my father. But I would dare to say that the face of fatherhood has undergone a quiet revolution. Although still much unlauded, they are often the silent (or is it dumb-struck) ones who "bear" their women giving birth. They wipe, rub, hold, support and lift. They endure the groans (or screams), the whole passionate blood and guts experience of a baby tearing its way into the world. They watch with obvious conflicting emotions, as the women they love, pitch and roll with the tides of labour. Wanting so much to take the pain away, and at the same time in awe of the emerging miracle which God has been forming in secret. They ferry little ones to creches and doctor's rooms and sing lullabies and untangle Barbie's hair. (all right - maybe that's pushing it a little...) But you get the picture.

I found some interesting accounts of  how men experienced their wives giving birth. Spontaneous crying, a "monsoon of tears", is something many new fathers seem to encounter. Most men say they felt so proud of their spouses, and amazed by what a woman's body can endure. Some are horrified, stupefied, nauseated, shocked. But the sense that they have witnessed something mysterious and beyond real understanding, seems to be the silver strand that threads these moments together. I have chosen a few quotes from the horse's mouth, which I found to be touching or amusing:

  "Watching my wife bring our son into the world, and consequently, his birth, was one of the most stunning, ineffably beautiful things I've ever seen. I have a hard time understanding why men would look away or find it harmful to their romantic relationship later on. Women are human transformers, and childbirth is without doubt one of the best examples of this fact. I always tell people they can delete photos and footage, but they can never go back in time to recreate it. Trust me, now or later, you'll want that experience captured. It's the moment your whole life changed irrevocably."

   "I used to look at parking spaces and wonder if I could squeeze my SUV between a badly parked station waggon and a pole. If you’ve seen a baby come out via a very small space, your perception of space is changed forever. Seriously, women are tough. I carry on like a soccer player when I stub my toe."

   "When I was holding my daughter in my arms I realised that life, as I knew it, would never be the same again. Life’s not just about you anymore. You have to put a tiny person before yourself. It’s as if the whole world is put on mute for a little while as you stare at this little person that is entirely dependent on you for everything. It’s a great responsibility and the greatest honour that I’ve ever been given."

   "The two nights we spent in the hospital, I had to get up every hour to make sure he was still breathing. Not because a doctor recommended it, just because in my expert medical opinion, he could always stop. He clearly could forget at some point. I would often poke him just to make sure he was still moving. The next few months were spent doubting myself at every turn, being sleep deprived, trying to get his attention for any length of time I could, trying to think of cool things we could do when he turns five, and poking him every other hour to make sure he was still breathing."

When we told family and friends that I was carrying our first child, I remember my husband's aunt saying that he was most certainly destined to be a father. At the time, I could not understand how she could be so confident about this, seeing that she's never witnessed him be one... But it turned out to be true. After the high of child birth, I often just felt totally inadequate. Being a mother did not live up to the expectations I had. It was hard, tedious and exhausting. My husband slipped into fatherhood, like worn-in corduroys. But unlike his favourite pants, it has not worn out. It has grown into something strong and consistent, but also fun and light. He got to hear all about my fears and doubts and the roller-coaster of feelings I was experiencing. Although I am sure he had many of those himself - he hardly felt it necessary to share them with me.

My own father was a solid provider, a constant current in our lives. Within this steadfast dependability, he mostly kept his distance. Probably not uncommon among men and sole providers of that generation. But he did not shy away from exercising discipline when it was needed. The lines never blurred. The roles of a man and wife, mother and father were clearly defined. And my father was not one to overstep his boundaries.

When our boys were little - older women of my own father's generation often used to tell me how they would have given much to have the support of their husbands with the care of their babies and small children. They used the term "hands-on" fathers, which pretty much sums up what present-day dads have become. It is probably not necessary to speculate on how this has all come about. Presumably everyone understands how circumstances have changed and how men and women have had to adapt.

Here are a few more quotes - on how men experience being fathers:

   "You are now responsible in a way that you have never been before. You may constantly realise just how seemingly unqualified you are for the job of fatherhood; you may question your ability to care for a child, and your worthiness, every step of the way. But rest assured - you're not the first dad to feel this way: We didn't come programmed on this whole parenting thing, but we were programmed to wing it."

  "Although you're overly aware of your role as a provider, you may become intimidated and frustrated by what your gender's limitations are.

  "You will feel that no matter how much money you make, it will never be enough to care for your new child's needs."

  "Gone are the days of being called just "a guy"; you will now be forever seen by all as a dad. The sports you used to play with your buddies eventually become the sports you teach your kids. That overpriced latte on your desk in the morning has been replaced by work coffee in a mug that reads "I love you Daddy." And, honestly, you won't even mind the changes because the biggest change is your biggest reward: your kid."

What I'd like to call attention to, is that perhaps we should also let our acknowledgement of what has happened to the face of fatherhood, catch up with the times. Yes, mothers are wonderful and I personally could never live up to the amazing woman who gave birth to my siblings and I. But lets take it from the top and keep in mind that:

• Conception is a partnered dance, of which the Creator and Father God is the choreographer.
• A woman carries the baby in her womb, the man mostly carries the concerns over their future.
• Women labour with a single purpose in mind - men are torn between anxious worry about the mother and child's welfare, and are often left feeling helpless on both accounts.
• While the woman nurses and nurtures against her skin, what has been growing in her womb, the father has to get used to two strangers in the house.
• Women naturally reach out to other women with "new babies". Just because a new father's breasts don't leak and hurt, does not mean they don't need support.
• Right perspective, acknowledgement and respect of a father's role in a child and his mother's life - is much more important than how many milliliters of milk the baby gets in.
• Responsibilities and capabilities can and have changed, but roles should not. We were created with a specific purpose - to which woman and men should stay true.

When our second child was dedicated to God our heavenly Father, the dear and wise man who had agreed to do this, told us two things. 1) He prefers to dedicate parents rather than their children, and 2) The greatest gift a father can give his child, is to love his/her mother.

I am being honest in saying that if our marriage, as well as our roles as parents, had not been anchored in Christ all those years back, we may not have been together any more to share in the joy that these two boys have turned out to be. It has not become a breeze, and without my husband by my side, I may have approached being a mother from a very tilted and weighty angle. For us it keeps balancing the scales - and I know it is not us moving the weights around. There are brave and wonderful single parents out there, who have done and continue doing an amazing job of raising children. But praise God indeed - I am not one of them. 

For me the sacrifices that parents make, which may seem manifold at times, will always pale in significance, when measured against the sacrifice that God the Father made to give us all eternal life. Part of the miracle of being able, as well as being told to procreate, is that there is always a hope and a purpose for our children, regardless of what the world may sink into.

Parenting is also one of the ways that God helps us humans to understand part of His character. Him being like a husband and like a father to his creation, but also for us to understand the depth of the Father's love for his adopted children - in that he would give his only Son for them. He has set the standard for fathers (and mothers), to develop a like character, and display this character to the world. Even the act of procreation itself mimics in a sense (as a child imitating the parent) God's act of creation. Parenting wears very abrasively against self-will and self-sufficiency and parents simply need to prioritise and surrender the use of time and other resources.

Laying down your life for another. No greater love is there than that. We know that our Father let part of Himself die for His children. Many earthly fathers have died protecting and defending their families. Many more have been willing and are still willing to do so. But still more just want to be all that they can be for their families. And I don't hear too many complaining about it either. Give a man, husband and father the rightful place in his home, and not only will the family benefit greatly. Society could salvage the backbone it so desperately needs to stand up before God and be healed.

And no, men are not going to claim or demand it - society and media have done a sterling job at making women believe that they can and often should do it on their own. In their own way. As well as convincing men that it is easier and all right to just let them be. Yes, we are strong. Incredibly, wonderfully so. But the strongest women I know, are the ones who have no desire to prove it to anyone. Their strength is a gentle one, the kind of patient strength that wins over lovingly rather than by force. And the courage to choose to surrender and save her family, rather than fight for her rights and loose sight of her true purpose.